Change

Everything I touch seems to fall apart. To break. For nearing on six years now I have been torturing the best thing that could have ever happened to me. But I talk about it, so everyone pegs her as the bad guy in all this. No one ever sees the truth and if they did they would hate me. Yet still I try to make them see it. Make them see how I promise to call, to change, to help her, and don’t.

And every time I fully intend to do it, but within a week those promises are gone. I don’t understand how information that means nothing to me can stick in my mind for years, when a promise that could break her heart all over again fades entirely. When we fight it almost feels like my memory drifts away so I won’t have to change, but as soon as I think about her again I can recall how terrible I have been to her.

And yet somehow I can never come up with a way to make it better. If I just stuck to my promises to begin with I wouldn’t have to always make her feel better, but somehow I always force myself into the hardest route for myself, and the most painful for her. And I hate myself for it; I never wanted to be like this. Every flaw she has only makes her a more whole, and attractive person. How she can still listen to all my stupid repetitive problems is beyond me. But she does, and I still stand before her as she cries and yell, or let my own tears fall.

She always listens to my every word, and she thinks every day of how to make me happy, make herself more attractive to me, how she can fix things up so my stupid OCD doesn’t go crazy. But me? No. I always take the most lazy path; I avoid situation that make her look better than me, and I let my ego, and insecurities rule my every decision, without any, or enough consideration for her.

So tell me. Is she the bad guy? Or has my left shoulder begun to outweigh my long favoured better half?