HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!

There is something very wrong with me. I keep having these panicky episodes where I get all jittery and my breathing gets all shallow and painful, and I start to cry for no reason at all. And then I end up wringing my hands repeatedly until it hurts, but I can't stop. No matter what I do I can't stop. I can't calm down. I've also been noticing that I dread things I really want to do. I can't get myself to start things that I know I enjoy. I have also begun to notice some repeatative behaviours. I always seem to be chewing on my cuticles, and picking at zits without even realizing it. I want to stop, but I just can't seem to do it.

I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to do anything. I've even been gaining weight... something I've never been able to do in the past. I want to loose the extra, but I can't stay motivated enough to work out, of join a gym, or club or anything. I was all excited about going back to school and now I am dreading that too. At one point I blamed it all on being transgendered, but I'm not. At another point I blamed it on being in love with two people at once and not being able to do anything about it, but that's not the case either. I just wish I knew what the hell was wrong with me.

The thing is that whenever I'm around people all that gets shoved under the rug and a mask is put on. Only one person has the slightest idea, and that hasn't really proved helpful yet, so why should I tell anyone else. I thought about going back to counselling, but I never told them the truth last time, so there's no point to that either. I'm just going to put on that mask and make believe they're helping me when really I just feel rotten inside. I want to feel alive again. I want to be happy. I want to feel motivated to do the things I love. It feels like there's this hole in my life. The biggest issue is that I know what I need to fill that hole, but I have absolutely no way of filling it.

My girlfriend wants us to be more honest with each other. She wants to know this type of stuff. She told me the other day that when she read previous entries she had known nothing about any of and that scared her, but I can't bring myself to tell her because it always feels like I have nothing to complain about when I actually say it. I just wish she could understand that when I don't reply to our roleplay (yes we are nerds) it isn't because I don't want to, I simply can't get myself started. And I hate it as much as she does.

I have no idea what to do. And I'm terrified.