Solstice

Anyone who has ever read any entry of this blog knows I am a very angry and rather distured person who has been known to freak out a whole lot for reasons that are sometimes less than legitamate. The solstice is a time for rebirth and changes. And for me those changes have already started. Today I had this undeniable feeling of sheer happiness. Nothing was going to bring me down. Not even my mother.

I filled out an application for an appartment and the superintendant seems like he wants to get me in as soon as possible. I am so nervous and excited at the same time. Now I just have to tell my girlfriend. She hasn't really been excited about the idea, but she offered to help me move and stuff so I really hope she takes it well. Ah well I shall tell her at some point.

In any case I am embrassing this season of changes in ways I never have before. I know there are changes I should have completed long ago. There are things about me that I have always disliked, and I have noticed that those around me aren't too fond of them either. Especially my girlfriend. This year, this Solstice I have to make resolutions. Make promises. Make vows. And by spring solstise I have to have completed these things or there will be consiquences. And they will not be pleasant ones either.

"Deal With"

I have been trying to "deal with" so many problems and issues in my life lately that I don't know what to do anymore. Recently though, my girlfriend sent me the website of a shaman and "tentshaker" who does healing sessions to help people... well; heal. It isn't like medical treatment, or psychological help, but a method that helps you to release the negative energy and let the good flow through again. I have been looking at this site over and over for the last while and each time I want more and more to try it.

I've tried counselling already and for a while; on the surface it helped. Unfortunately The good effects didn't last. For the times I was there, and just after I felt genuinely happy, and releazed, you know? But now? Wouldn't you think something would stay good? Nope. No such luck. I still keep everything bottled up. I'm still angry all the time. The emotions I feel most often are still hate, anger and sadness.

Nothing else is working. Maybe if I try this tentshaking thing I might get somewhere with the issues. The only problem: The shaman is part of my girlfriend's family.

My Girl

You would think after almost four and a half years I would know the girl I'm involved with. Unfortunately; it seems neither of us know eachother very well. I have come to realize that I a not as open with her as I originally thought I was, but she has been the same way with me. Really I guess I knew she hid a lot from me, but I never guessed the extent of it. Then again...

Maybe its my fault for making assumptions and not trying really get to know her, and open up myself to her. There are times I wish we could start all over again from scratch. You know? Meet eachother all over again and start by learning everything we could before getting together. Then continue the learning process... but since we can't I'll have to step up I guess.

There are so many things I haven't told her its really starting to eat at me. I hate that the only time we ever really talk about ourselves is when we're fighting. There are just so many things I want to say to her; so many things I wish she knew. If only she knew this was me. But she can't ever know. But then again... Maybe things would be easier.

To my "friends"

Keep in mind I am really angry at the moment and feel very strongly in this way right now. Though by the time this is done I will likely have calmed considerably. (names are false of course for privacy matters)

Jay: You are an inconsiderate bitch who likes to feel important. You are nineteen and so are all of us; get used to being around us while there is alcohol. You should be able to separate social drinking with the stupidity of alcoholism. Grow up. Oh; and Vicky hates you she isn't coming back to you so slit your wrists already or move on.

Ben: Everyone wants to quit the role play because you suck. No one replies because you suck. You always god mode and you don't even know what the hell it means. You are always taking over other people's characters and we all hate you for it. And grow up already; you should be able to figure your own way out and stop clinging to every one's hand like a little baby.

Larry: Suck it up already. You are the most likely of us all to succeed in university so stop complaining and just do it. Buckle down and move on with it. Oh and go ahead and break a few more hearts while you're at it.

James: If you hate me so much why has it lasted over four years? I'm getting tired of the constant complaints and nitpicking. I get it; you hate me. So why not just leave and get it over with, so you can move on with your life, and I can go through the painstaking task of getting over you and move on with my own. I may be uncharismatic, but you are the reason for my falling self esteem. It was fine before I started dating you. So love me for who I am. Or Leave me. Remember Joann and Moreen.

My head

This is getting really hard for me, but I'm sick of bottling it up and blaming everything on the little things. Yeah; there are a lot of things in life that really bug me. That really get my goat, you know? But none of that really matters when it gets down to the real problems. The real problems aren't my parents, aren't my siblings, aren't the stresses of everyday life, or work, or any of those surface things.

The real problems are the deep things. My haunting; repeating dreams; of death, genocide and murder. I dream about becoming male at will. I don't know what to do about it. I wished I could finally remember my dreams, and now the only ones I remember are about horrible things. I have a recurring dream about my entire family being murdered except me. I Then again I also dream about being able to alter my gender at will. This is causing huge confusion for me. I keep having thoughts about whether or not I'm transgendered, or not. If I'm going to go through some huge transition of some sort.

These are of course only a couple of the things that torment me, but they are things that are causing a huge inner conflict right now.

And on top of that I'm worried about problems with my girlfriend. There always seems to be something wrong with me. Its really beginning to get to me. I know what to do. I know how to do it. There's just something standing in my way. I don't know what it is, but I guess I'll have to figure it out some how.

Why am I so upset?

Well there are a few reasons I guess. The first and most prominent though is easy to say.
It is however a long story... so here goes nothing...

First there's my girlfriend. We got together about four years ago and things have generally been good. We have our ups and downs, but who doesn't? About two years ago she introduced me to some friends of hers she hadn't spoken to in a long time. At first it was a little awkward, but eventually we became really good friends and the four of us hang out a lot. About a year ago now I was hanging out with our friends without my girlfriend and the three of us started to get even closer. After a while I started to realize I really like one of them.

Since that realization I have told the girl, my girlfriend, and our other friend. All on separate occasions of course. The girl I like doesn't feel the same, but I can't get over her and I keep getting more and more awkward around her. Thing is I told my girlfriend I'm over it...

The short of it is this; I'm in love with two women. One I'm dating, the other doesn't feel the same. Its tearing me apart!

Other than that I guess I'm upset about the usual; my parents, coming out to family, friend drama besides the previous, and I'm nineteen and I need out of the house!