Nevermind Me

Someone recently asked me where I think I’ll be in five years. I said exactly what was the easiest, most acceptable answer. Married and working. What did the others say? More school, starting a business, masters, bachelors, managing a facility. So what’s wrong with me then? Married and working for some big company moving through each day like the next. Money. Sex. Sleep. Money. Sex. Sleep. Day after day the same thing. And eventually sex with be left behind. Maybe add a couple kids. Another end to my wife’s open relationship. And soon the passion is gone…

Ten years and there’s kids, divorce, anger, resentment, hatred. I loose my job with nothing to live for, she takes everything. No. I give her everything. I pay support from some dead end job flipping burgers and counting grubby coins.

I always tell her I will support her in what she wants to do. I say I will provide the financial support she needs to fill her passion. Meanwhile my entire life is nothing but a pathetic façade. I go to class, and put on an eager, happy face when I hate them all. I go to work and I scam children out of their money just to keep my weak, minimum wage position. I come home and write. I write to make her happy. I keep a journal so she can have fun later in life reading it and looking back on all this. But now I don’t even want to do that.

She seems to hate me so much. I know I make her feel ugly. I know she feels terrible about herself because of me. I hate that she feels like that, it really isn’t that I’m not attracted to her. I just feel so numb. The most reaction my actions seem to get is when her sister is there and then it just feels like a “who’s partner’s the worse partner” contest. I’m sitting right there! So after all that talk last year about trying to change and not please everyone around me guess where I am yet again?

Yep. That’s me. The words that stop the fights. The actions that get them to leave me alone. The mask that helps me fit in. The mind set that prevents my guilt for the unneeded up selling. And the only one that actually matters. The only one I actually want to make happy seems to always end with the short end of things.

Its just such a vicious cycle. I miss treat her. So she gets all hateful, and passive aggressive at me. I loose motivation to actually change my behaviour. She gets angry and aggressive. It just keeps going and I know I’m the fundamental problem. I just don’t know what to do.

No. I do know what to do; but there are things I keep thinking about. Things I can’t seem to shake from my fucking numb mind. But at least the near nightly bawling fits give me some resemblance of real emotion.

What the hell is wrong with me?

I should have been good. I should have been secure. I should have been passionate. I should have been skinny. I should have been healthy. I should have been real.

But all I am is this shell; longing to be entirely invisible.

Change

Everything I touch seems to fall apart. To break. For nearing on six years now I have been torturing the best thing that could have ever happened to me. But I talk about it, so everyone pegs her as the bad guy in all this. No one ever sees the truth and if they did they would hate me. Yet still I try to make them see it. Make them see how I promise to call, to change, to help her, and don’t.

And every time I fully intend to do it, but within a week those promises are gone. I don’t understand how information that means nothing to me can stick in my mind for years, when a promise that could break her heart all over again fades entirely. When we fight it almost feels like my memory drifts away so I won’t have to change, but as soon as I think about her again I can recall how terrible I have been to her.

And yet somehow I can never come up with a way to make it better. If I just stuck to my promises to begin with I wouldn’t have to always make her feel better, but somehow I always force myself into the hardest route for myself, and the most painful for her. And I hate myself for it; I never wanted to be like this. Every flaw she has only makes her a more whole, and attractive person. How she can still listen to all my stupid repetitive problems is beyond me. But she does, and I still stand before her as she cries and yell, or let my own tears fall.

She always listens to my every word, and she thinks every day of how to make me happy, make herself more attractive to me, how she can fix things up so my stupid OCD doesn’t go crazy. But me? No. I always take the most lazy path; I avoid situation that make her look better than me, and I let my ego, and insecurities rule my every decision, without any, or enough consideration for her.

So tell me. Is she the bad guy? Or has my left shoulder begun to outweigh my long favoured better half?