Help

I can't seem to find the words to discribe just how I've been feeling lately. Perhaps you could say confused, uninspired, sad, angry, uninterested, wrong.

Whatever I say though doesn't seem to put it into perspective. I can't seem to pull myself out of this rut. No matter what I do I seem to be falling deeper and deeper. I have no interest in food, or my usual hobbies. I can barely stay awake from moment to moment. Interactions of any kind make me feel sick to my stomach. And all through it I keep getting this feeling that there is something wrong with me. Not like, socially or personnally, which is obvious, but physically.

Thing is, whenever I'm with people I have become highly skilled at pretending to be completely absorbed in whatever activity we happen to be doing at the time. I just have this huge urge to break down and cry for no reason whatsoever to whoever talks to me next. I just hope it isn't my girlfriend because one of the real issues here she wouldn't understand. Its unfortunate, but true. I have been having a gradually increasing desire, need, to be percieved as male. When I manage to convince someone I grow extatic, but when I think of her I become saddened once again. True she said if I really wanted to transition it was my choice and she'd support me, but its hard. She already has such a problem with me dressing in drag that I have been reduced to having to hide it from her.

It kills me, but I can see no other way to deal with the situation.

I don't know what to do anymore... Sometimes I feel like... but no.