"Deal With"

I have been trying to "deal with" so many problems and issues in my life lately that I don't know what to do anymore. Recently though, my girlfriend sent me the website of a shaman and "tentshaker" who does healing sessions to help people... well; heal. It isn't like medical treatment, or psychological help, but a method that helps you to release the negative energy and let the good flow through again. I have been looking at this site over and over for the last while and each time I want more and more to try it.

I've tried counselling already and for a while; on the surface it helped. Unfortunately The good effects didn't last. For the times I was there, and just after I felt genuinely happy, and releazed, you know? But now? Wouldn't you think something would stay good? Nope. No such luck. I still keep everything bottled up. I'm still angry all the time. The emotions I feel most often are still hate, anger and sadness.

Nothing else is working. Maybe if I try this tentshaking thing I might get somewhere with the issues. The only problem: The shaman is part of my girlfriend's family.

My Girl

You would think after almost four and a half years I would know the girl I'm involved with. Unfortunately; it seems neither of us know eachother very well. I have come to realize that I a not as open with her as I originally thought I was, but she has been the same way with me. Really I guess I knew she hid a lot from me, but I never guessed the extent of it. Then again...

Maybe its my fault for making assumptions and not trying really get to know her, and open up myself to her. There are times I wish we could start all over again from scratch. You know? Meet eachother all over again and start by learning everything we could before getting together. Then continue the learning process... but since we can't I'll have to step up I guess.

There are so many things I haven't told her its really starting to eat at me. I hate that the only time we ever really talk about ourselves is when we're fighting. There are just so many things I want to say to her; so many things I wish she knew. If only she knew this was me. But she can't ever know. But then again... Maybe things would be easier.