To my "friends"

Keep in mind I am really angry at the moment and feel very strongly in this way right now. Though by the time this is done I will likely have calmed considerably. (names are false of course for privacy matters)

Jay: You are an inconsiderate bitch who likes to feel important. You are nineteen and so are all of us; get used to being around us while there is alcohol. You should be able to separate social drinking with the stupidity of alcoholism. Grow up. Oh; and Vicky hates you she isn't coming back to you so slit your wrists already or move on.

Ben: Everyone wants to quit the role play because you suck. No one replies because you suck. You always god mode and you don't even know what the hell it means. You are always taking over other people's characters and we all hate you for it. And grow up already; you should be able to figure your own way out and stop clinging to every one's hand like a little baby.

Larry: Suck it up already. You are the most likely of us all to succeed in university so stop complaining and just do it. Buckle down and move on with it. Oh and go ahead and break a few more hearts while you're at it.

James: If you hate me so much why has it lasted over four years? I'm getting tired of the constant complaints and nitpicking. I get it; you hate me. So why not just leave and get it over with, so you can move on with your life, and I can go through the painstaking task of getting over you and move on with my own. I may be uncharismatic, but you are the reason for my falling self esteem. It was fine before I started dating you. So love me for who I am. Or Leave me. Remember Joann and Moreen.

My head

This is getting really hard for me, but I'm sick of bottling it up and blaming everything on the little things. Yeah; there are a lot of things in life that really bug me. That really get my goat, you know? But none of that really matters when it gets down to the real problems. The real problems aren't my parents, aren't my siblings, aren't the stresses of everyday life, or work, or any of those surface things.

The real problems are the deep things. My haunting; repeating dreams; of death, genocide and murder. I dream about becoming male at will. I don't know what to do about it. I wished I could finally remember my dreams, and now the only ones I remember are about horrible things. I have a recurring dream about my entire family being murdered except me. I Then again I also dream about being able to alter my gender at will. This is causing huge confusion for me. I keep having thoughts about whether or not I'm transgendered, or not. If I'm going to go through some huge transition of some sort.

These are of course only a couple of the things that torment me, but they are things that are causing a huge inner conflict right now.

And on top of that I'm worried about problems with my girlfriend. There always seems to be something wrong with me. Its really beginning to get to me. I know what to do. I know how to do it. There's just something standing in my way. I don't know what it is, but I guess I'll have to figure it out some how.