Blech

I can't believe I'm going on about this stupidity again, but here it goes.

It really hurts when I'm having a bad day, or want to talk because I'm stuck in a rut and all she wants out of me is a reply to our roleplay. I know it's her only one, and its really important to me too, but somedays I just can't do. And I'm sorry about, but I don't know what to do.

Guess it's my fault though. I have a habit of pretending its all fine, or at least it comes across that way on MSN. When really I feel like just closing everything away and wallowing in my own misery for a while till I fall asleep.

And so it goes reply, post, turn everything off, wallow, sleep. Wake up work, gym, her house, stuff, sleep, wake up, stuff, be sad about leaving, come home, wallow, sleep... ounds like a grand old time to me.

HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!

There is something very wrong with me. I keep having these panicky episodes where I get all jittery and my breathing gets all shallow and painful, and I start to cry for no reason at all. And then I end up wringing my hands repeatedly until it hurts, but I can't stop. No matter what I do I can't stop. I can't calm down. I've also been noticing that I dread things I really want to do. I can't get myself to start things that I know I enjoy. I have also begun to notice some repeatative behaviours. I always seem to be chewing on my cuticles, and picking at zits without even realizing it. I want to stop, but I just can't seem to do it.

I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to do anything. I've even been gaining weight... something I've never been able to do in the past. I want to loose the extra, but I can't stay motivated enough to work out, of join a gym, or club or anything. I was all excited about going back to school and now I am dreading that too. At one point I blamed it all on being transgendered, but I'm not. At another point I blamed it on being in love with two people at once and not being able to do anything about it, but that's not the case either. I just wish I knew what the hell was wrong with me.

The thing is that whenever I'm around people all that gets shoved under the rug and a mask is put on. Only one person has the slightest idea, and that hasn't really proved helpful yet, so why should I tell anyone else. I thought about going back to counselling, but I never told them the truth last time, so there's no point to that either. I'm just going to put on that mask and make believe they're helping me when really I just feel rotten inside. I want to feel alive again. I want to be happy. I want to feel motivated to do the things I love. It feels like there's this hole in my life. The biggest issue is that I know what I need to fill that hole, but I have absolutely no way of filling it.

My girlfriend wants us to be more honest with each other. She wants to know this type of stuff. She told me the other day that when she read previous entries she had known nothing about any of and that scared her, but I can't bring myself to tell her because it always feels like I have nothing to complain about when I actually say it. I just wish she could understand that when I don't reply to our roleplay (yes we are nerds) it isn't because I don't want to, I simply can't get myself started. And I hate it as much as she does.

I have no idea what to do. And I'm terrified.

Help

I can't seem to find the words to discribe just how I've been feeling lately. Perhaps you could say confused, uninspired, sad, angry, uninterested, wrong.

Whatever I say though doesn't seem to put it into perspective. I can't seem to pull myself out of this rut. No matter what I do I seem to be falling deeper and deeper. I have no interest in food, or my usual hobbies. I can barely stay awake from moment to moment. Interactions of any kind make me feel sick to my stomach. And all through it I keep getting this feeling that there is something wrong with me. Not like, socially or personnally, which is obvious, but physically.

Thing is, whenever I'm with people I have become highly skilled at pretending to be completely absorbed in whatever activity we happen to be doing at the time. I just have this huge urge to break down and cry for no reason whatsoever to whoever talks to me next. I just hope it isn't my girlfriend because one of the real issues here she wouldn't understand. Its unfortunate, but true. I have been having a gradually increasing desire, need, to be percieved as male. When I manage to convince someone I grow extatic, but when I think of her I become saddened once again. True she said if I really wanted to transition it was my choice and she'd support me, but its hard. She already has such a problem with me dressing in drag that I have been reduced to having to hide it from her.

It kills me, but I can see no other way to deal with the situation.

I don't know what to do anymore... Sometimes I feel like... but no.

Awkward Situation

So today I got a text from a friend asking if someone I know can stay with me since she and her girlfriend got kicked out. I still live with my mom, so naturally I had to ask her. After some convincing I got my mom to agree and she and her girlfriend are now on the way. I'm a good person? I'm helping a friend? No. I wish my mother had said no. I only know the girl as my best friend's creep stalker. I didn't even know the chick's real name. But since my mom always says her house is open to people in need who do they look to? Me.

I hate the girl and I don't know her girlfriend. They should be at a fucking shelter, but no.... They got threatened there so where next? My house. If you get threatened at a safe house tell administration. If they don't do anything. Call the fucking cops. Or go to another one. I can't believe my "friend" pressured me so much into such a bullshit situation. She should have started by telling me who they were. I don't trust the girl and I don't want her in my house. As it is I'm putting everything of value under lock and key, the the bag can't hold everything.

I feel like a horrible person, but why should I open my doors for some I don't like or trust. Especially when there are children and pets in the house. No one is going to be home all day and I don't want to just leave them alone. But kicking them out all day isn't something my mom would do. So now I'm the one stuck in the middle of this huge fucking mess.

{edit} Alright. So they arrived last night and it wasn't as bad as I thought it might be. They are so quiet and they keep to themselves for the most part, so really I had nothing to worry about. I am still not happy about being put in such a horrible situation, especially by a friend, but I suppose it could have been way worse.{edit}

Solstice

Anyone who has ever read any entry of this blog knows I am a very angry and rather distured person who has been known to freak out a whole lot for reasons that are sometimes less than legitamate. The solstice is a time for rebirth and changes. And for me those changes have already started. Today I had this undeniable feeling of sheer happiness. Nothing was going to bring me down. Not even my mother.

I filled out an application for an appartment and the superintendant seems like he wants to get me in as soon as possible. I am so nervous and excited at the same time. Now I just have to tell my girlfriend. She hasn't really been excited about the idea, but she offered to help me move and stuff so I really hope she takes it well. Ah well I shall tell her at some point.

In any case I am embrassing this season of changes in ways I never have before. I know there are changes I should have completed long ago. There are things about me that I have always disliked, and I have noticed that those around me aren't too fond of them either. Especially my girlfriend. This year, this Solstice I have to make resolutions. Make promises. Make vows. And by spring solstise I have to have completed these things or there will be consiquences. And they will not be pleasant ones either.

"Deal With"

I have been trying to "deal with" so many problems and issues in my life lately that I don't know what to do anymore. Recently though, my girlfriend sent me the website of a shaman and "tentshaker" who does healing sessions to help people... well; heal. It isn't like medical treatment, or psychological help, but a method that helps you to release the negative energy and let the good flow through again. I have been looking at this site over and over for the last while and each time I want more and more to try it.

I've tried counselling already and for a while; on the surface it helped. Unfortunately The good effects didn't last. For the times I was there, and just after I felt genuinely happy, and releazed, you know? But now? Wouldn't you think something would stay good? Nope. No such luck. I still keep everything bottled up. I'm still angry all the time. The emotions I feel most often are still hate, anger and sadness.

Nothing else is working. Maybe if I try this tentshaking thing I might get somewhere with the issues. The only problem: The shaman is part of my girlfriend's family.

My Girl

You would think after almost four and a half years I would know the girl I'm involved with. Unfortunately; it seems neither of us know eachother very well. I have come to realize that I a not as open with her as I originally thought I was, but she has been the same way with me. Really I guess I knew she hid a lot from me, but I never guessed the extent of it. Then again...

Maybe its my fault for making assumptions and not trying really get to know her, and open up myself to her. There are times I wish we could start all over again from scratch. You know? Meet eachother all over again and start by learning everything we could before getting together. Then continue the learning process... but since we can't I'll have to step up I guess.

There are so many things I haven't told her its really starting to eat at me. I hate that the only time we ever really talk about ourselves is when we're fighting. There are just so many things I want to say to her; so many things I wish she knew. If only she knew this was me. But she can't ever know. But then again... Maybe things would be easier.