I can't seem to find the words to discribe just how I've been feeling lately. Perhaps you could say confused, uninspired, sad, angry, uninterested, wrong.
Whatever I say though doesn't seem to put it into perspective. I can't seem to pull myself out of this rut. No matter what I do I seem to be falling deeper and deeper. I have no interest in food, or my usual hobbies. I can barely stay awake from moment to moment. Interactions of any kind make me feel sick to my stomach. And all through it I keep getting this feeling that there is something wrong with me. Not like, socially or personnally, which is obvious, but physically.
Thing is, whenever I'm with people I have become highly skilled at pretending to be completely absorbed in whatever activity we happen to be doing at the time. I just have this huge urge to break down and cry for no reason whatsoever to whoever talks to me next. I just hope it isn't my girlfriend because one of the real issues here she wouldn't understand. Its unfortunate, but true. I have been having a gradually increasing desire, need, to be percieved as male. When I manage to convince someone I grow extatic, but when I think of her I become saddened once again. True she said if I really wanted to transition it was my choice and she'd support me, but its hard. She already has such a problem with me dressing in drag that I have been reduced to having to hide it from her.
It kills me, but I can see no other way to deal with the situation.
I don't know what to do anymore... Sometimes I feel like... but no.
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At some point, you are going to have to take a good hard look at what will be good for you, what will make you feel better. Don't bother with how others will react or how they'll feel about it because, well, in the end - "everything goes. But yourself, you'll always have."
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