Nevermind Me

Someone recently asked me where I think I’ll be in five years. I said exactly what was the easiest, most acceptable answer. Married and working. What did the others say? More school, starting a business, masters, bachelors, managing a facility. So what’s wrong with me then? Married and working for some big company moving through each day like the next. Money. Sex. Sleep. Money. Sex. Sleep. Day after day the same thing. And eventually sex with be left behind. Maybe add a couple kids. Another end to my wife’s open relationship. And soon the passion is gone…

Ten years and there’s kids, divorce, anger, resentment, hatred. I loose my job with nothing to live for, she takes everything. No. I give her everything. I pay support from some dead end job flipping burgers and counting grubby coins.

I always tell her I will support her in what she wants to do. I say I will provide the financial support she needs to fill her passion. Meanwhile my entire life is nothing but a pathetic façade. I go to class, and put on an eager, happy face when I hate them all. I go to work and I scam children out of their money just to keep my weak, minimum wage position. I come home and write. I write to make her happy. I keep a journal so she can have fun later in life reading it and looking back on all this. But now I don’t even want to do that.

She seems to hate me so much. I know I make her feel ugly. I know she feels terrible about herself because of me. I hate that she feels like that, it really isn’t that I’m not attracted to her. I just feel so numb. The most reaction my actions seem to get is when her sister is there and then it just feels like a “who’s partner’s the worse partner” contest. I’m sitting right there! So after all that talk last year about trying to change and not please everyone around me guess where I am yet again?

Yep. That’s me. The words that stop the fights. The actions that get them to leave me alone. The mask that helps me fit in. The mind set that prevents my guilt for the unneeded up selling. And the only one that actually matters. The only one I actually want to make happy seems to always end with the short end of things.

Its just such a vicious cycle. I miss treat her. So she gets all hateful, and passive aggressive at me. I loose motivation to actually change my behaviour. She gets angry and aggressive. It just keeps going and I know I’m the fundamental problem. I just don’t know what to do.

No. I do know what to do; but there are things I keep thinking about. Things I can’t seem to shake from my fucking numb mind. But at least the near nightly bawling fits give me some resemblance of real emotion.

What the hell is wrong with me?

I should have been good. I should have been secure. I should have been passionate. I should have been skinny. I should have been healthy. I should have been real.

But all I am is this shell; longing to be entirely invisible.